I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
