Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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