I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
