That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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