Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
