I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Randomize
