you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
