If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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