Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
