Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
