feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
