Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
