i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
