you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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