so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
