I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
