nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
