When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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