I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
