He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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