overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
