There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
