I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize