Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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