woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
