it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
