What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
