Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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