I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize