Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
