Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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