i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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