I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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