btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
