its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
