jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
