Betty ford says i'm here all night
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
