What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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