Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
