If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
