Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
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