I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
