If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
