The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
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