I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I got inside last night via doggy door
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
