No stitches, just platelets and will power
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
