Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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