I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize