i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
