i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize