I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
