I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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