I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
