i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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