I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
