i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
