the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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