yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
