There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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