we have pet lesbian snakes
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
