My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
