I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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