there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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