I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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