my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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