1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
