Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
