Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
