oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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