Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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