I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
it was like his penis was on wheels.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
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