I wish my penis had an off switch
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Less talking, more tequila
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
