woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
